No Direction Anymore... and i'm ok with that.

I keep trying to upload photo's onto here and it ends up being hell on earth. it locks up my entire computer and gives me all these futile messages such as "we have come accross an error," or "are you sure you want to upload?" of course i'm sure i wnat to upload! what are you trying to scare me out of it or something? i guess this is what i get for purchasing a Windows instead of a Mac.
I had a wonderful picture of me perched at an outdoor table here at angelfood bakery. it is the perfect day, and i'm supposed to be studying but instead i'm sitting here surrounded by fower boxes and eating blueberry cake and coffee.

seince i last talked to you allot has happened, and i do mean allot. i lost my job, and got another one all in one week. my car got towed. i found out i have to come up with about one grand by september 1st, and school has amped itself up to a dizzying speed. this entitles me to blueberry cake. I am happy to say that God has undoubtedly provided throughout this storm of tornadic events. i have learned, and grown so much i wouldn't be surprised if my shoes didn't fit. I think i needed to be tossed for a loop, i got to the point (and am still there) that i had absolutly no clue what i was doing anymore. i've gone ahead and thrown all my grand blueprints in the toilet because i know that nothing i ever come up with will match what God has come up with.... from the beginning of time may i add. after you get over the somewhat terrifying idea that you are no longer in control, a peace and a freedom settles in like I've never felt before. I had become so used to putting my earpluggs in and putzing away with "my life" that now it feels like i see and hear everything to the fullest. it's so much brighter, cleaner, free-er (i know that 's not a word). having that said i can't really tell you where i'm at cause i've completely lost my map. i do however have my compass, and He's treating me just fine.

school has gotten harder than i ever thought it would. we are in class well into the night(after 11:00 pm)and are stuffed and squeezed with so much information i honestly don't know how i retain it. we take on about five sometimes six dishes a night wich is a huge undertaking considering most if it's french, and they tend to include fifteen hideous steps in preparing everything. it's not all bad though. the other night i made a chocolate mousse that filled even my chef with pride. it took me about an hour in total until all the whipping process's were done... and there were many of them. but the effect was a mousse that just sat on your tounge, you could hardly tell it was there. at the same time it had this wonderfully rich and devilsh taste that left my chef eating half the bowl with his fingers before i could even get it into the fridge to chill. a sucess like this is made up for by five or so mistakes however, but i'm learning.

i move to my new place next monday... i cannot wait! despite the air ionizer humming the basment smell away it really is an adroable little nook. there is something about living in a plase that has taken sweat and elbow grease to create. it means more, it's truly yours. i painted the walls a rich tuscan yellow, and bought canvas pictures of prarie field. i miss the green of kentucky, the smell of woodsmoke in the air, the hardly ever wearing shoes. i'm trying to bring some of home into this new place with me. mama gets here in a few days.... more home is on the way.

ok, i'm gonna try one more time to get you guys a picture..... wait for it..... nope, it's sitll a Windows.

Thunderstorms

They have come to be one of my greatest comforts and something i actually look forward to. partly because i am without air conditioning in both my apartment AND my car, and they bring much needed relief from the 90 degree weather we've been having. also, i think there is the reminder that God is real, and He exists. tonight we had a record of a storm, it raged outside my open windows and set off the car alarms on my street with it's noise. one minute the sky was blue, the next it was green and there was a tornado siren going off. then after the storm had it's say there was a lightning display that was breathtaking, and an orange sunset not to be rivaled with. it was a majestic, and peacful night. i curled up beside the open window and felt the fury on my face. I also managed to down several chocolate chip cookies while i watched the show. it was a challege to be sure.....

These pictures don't do justice, but i thought you needed to be in on the greatness of God.

Kitchen Diary

My Deepest Apologies!

I KNOW OK?! don't remind me of what a terrible blog friend i have been, if you could only have a day in my shoes you wouldn't scold me. here, let me show you...

school has vamped up to an exhausting pace. i think they think that we're spoiled newbies that need to be punished. work involving a baby 24/7 is harder than it sounds, and when i'm not doing either of those things i'm doing the mounds of homework i bring home, or babysitting, or cleaning, or trying not to starve myself seeing as the only thing i buy anymore is granola bars. I have completely abandoned trying to cook for myself, there's just no time, and when you do it for a living, some of the charm is lost, just like most everything. I'm tired, body, soul and mind. life just seems to be a roller coaster that i can't get off. i miss home, i miss peace, and most of all, i miss watching life, instead of trying to keep up with it.
but not all has been bad. i've gotten really plugged into my church, PRAISE GOD! and i made a friend!! outside of school that is. she goes to my small group and we hit if off immediately... lauran, if you're reading this, thank God you were born. I am enjoying things more, i feel like have really started to make myself a home here, which is a big step, but it still doesn't quite measure up to my real one. Finals are today, and then i have three weeks of summer break, from school that is, not from work and the rest of my life. but it will be cherished none the less.

so yes, things are still bittersweet, thanks for asking.

God has grown me in immeasurable ways, and i am closer with Him than i have ever been. that alone negates any bitching i have just done.
I'm posting some pictures for you of life while i've been away... i will post more later. at least you now know that i live and breathe..... barely :D

Spring in Chicago

Fullfilling my pasta dream

In class on Thursday we made something that i practically came to culinary school to learn how to make! PASTA!!! it was pretty much everything i ever thought it would be. the only problem is you have to have a pasta machine to actually form it... have not fear, i'm already saving for one.
i'm going to give you the recipe so you too can enjoy the wonderment of pasta making. it's almost as good as having a baby.... well, almost. you work and work, feeding it through the pasta roller, getting smoother and thinner by the second and then all of the sudden... it's there. pasta, gliding out the other end of the pasta machine like magical ribbons. you swell with pride knowing that you just brought a new nest of linguine into the world.


Basic Egg Pasta
equivalent to 1# or dry pasta

3 cups all purpose flour, or cake flour
4 large eggs
1/2 tsp. salt

1. place the flour in a high mound on a work surface, (wood is best). make a well in the center.
2. crack the eggs into the well. add the salt. with a fork, ox together the eggs and salt only to not mix in the flour yet.
3.gradually start incorporating under the eggs to

keep the dough from sticking to the board.
4. continue adding more flour in this manner until you have a soft dough. remove the dough from the flour and set aside.
5. sift the remaining flour to get out any small lumps of dough. THROW THESE AWAY. don't try to incorporate them into your large ball, it will only make holes when you roll it out.
6. knead your dough in the "clean" flour until dough is no longer wet and sticky and is smooth and elastic. 10-15 min.
7. wrap dough well and let rest for at least 20 minutes before rolling.
8. coat VERY well in flour before putting it
through the pasta machine.
the rest is up to your creative self!

i went home and cooked mine, then tossed it in a homemade pesto with pinenuts, spicy red pepper, and basil. mmmmm mm.

Now that's a heck of a doughnut!

This is a blog post is dedicated entirely to doughnuts, probably my favorite sweet thing of all time. but wait... not just any doughnuts. i would like to say that i won't eat a doughnut unless it's a good one, but the fact of the matter is that i'm a fiend, and if you put any kind of doughnut in front of me, i WILL eat it. end of discussion. this post is about Holtmans Doughnuts. the best doughnuts you will ever taste in your life, hands down. i can say this because i've tried so many. Krispy Kremes have NOTHING on Holtmans! Holtmans is a little doughnut place in Pleasant Plain Ohio, the tiniest little town you've ever seen. we have to drive about an hour to get to the actual shop, but let me tell you, every minute of that drive is worth it! Holtmans has been making doughnuts since you can imagine, and every employee in there is a family member. when you pull up the little (and i do mean little) yellow striped building the air is thick with the smell of frying dough and sugar, you start to salivate right then and there.

Holtman's is open in the morning, but if you know what's good for you, you will go around 7:00pm in the evening, that's when the real action happens! they start the night before because you could not imagine how busy they get! when you get there they have have christmas lights sparkling in the windows (year-round) and there are literally rows, and rows of hot off the press doughnuts. they give them to you in white paper bags literally steaming.

every kind of doughnut you need and crave is there. fluffy cake doughnuts with crispy edges topped with homemade cream cheese icing, yeasty long johns filled with chocolate cream.

I think my favorite has to be the toasted coconut. it is heavenly. they are so nice it is not uncommon the get a few free doughnuts thrown into your dozen.

in the summer, when it is still light out at 7:00 they have a big picnic bench outside to sit on, throw a bottle of ice cold milk onto your tab and you have yourself the perfect evening. one that i've spent many a time.

I could go on and on, singing the praises of Holtmans Doughnuts, but here's the gist of the matter, if you are EVER in that side of Ohio it is a must that you go. you will never be the same... oh gosh, i have to stop this.. i'm salivating.

Some things you missed

THINGS THAT HAPPENED DURING SPRING BREAK
let me just warn you, i am not your average 19 year old. my spring break did not include wild partying, or Mexico. that's just not me. my spring break embodied the word "peace" and that is just what i needed.

the last tuesday of every month we have my grandparents over for dinner, well of course because i was home guess who whipped that up?! I designed a salad to die for! topped with mango chutney, spiced pecans, and thyme hushpuppies instead of croutons it was something to behold. i drizzled it with a Dijon dressing and served it with cheddar and leek soup. viola!!! while we ate we got into a debate over how to pronounce the word chutney. is it (Chut-any) or (Choot-ney) any word from the peanut gallery? please, put us out of our misery!

Here's the magnanimous salad. that sounds like something dustin hoffman would have said as captain hook in the movie "Hook."

ok, the only reason this picture is on here is because i felt you should truly know this side of me, considering it's not exactly a "side" it's more of a whole. I have to be honest with you, i sometimes come across as allot more sane than i really am. this poses as a problem because then you meet me and you're not sure if i'm human or not. yeah.... that's a problem.

this was me at Lizzy Hanich's house wearing one of her brother's caving lights on my head. i don't know why, but i felt the need to do this.

this is my dear, sweet, fast maturing sister Naomi. my sunglasses are about as big as her whole head! we had such sweet times together while i was home, like literally, things out of a Hallmark movie.

it think that's kind of it for now, i just wanted to throw those few little tings in there so that i was up to date. i am now back in chicago, after a very difficult parting with the family, and a 5 hour drive... here i am. i feel revived though, a new quarter to do new things.... ahhh, fresh starts. are you not immensely thankful for them?

There's no place like home...and it's kitchen.

Ahhhhhh, home. i am so blissfully happy i cannot tell you. i told my mom as we drove in to town, "at this moment i feel so incredibly safe, just like that." it is so bazaar to be surrounded once again by things that are so familiar. to suddenly fall back into my old routine without even thinking. to hear Naomi's voice chattering in the other room. these are truly the things that make home, "home" for each and every one of us.
let's see, since I've been home i have tried to do all the things that remind me of home. sitting outside in the lawn chairs with mama and Naomi, having "girl talk." getting doughnuts in the morning from the little bakery across the street. but most of all here people, i have the neeeeeed to cook. the huge spacious kitchen calls my name, with it's blue chrome counter tops, and hardwood floors. everything is just as i left it, the jars of flour, and big cutting boards. i am really and TRULY home now....



My first goal was to make these mini raspberry cheesecakes, a recipe i made up on a rainy day in the dining room. they were everything they were supposed to be. to top it all off i made the raspberry sauce with both red and golden raspberries. got get some, their in season! they are sooo pretty, and have a bit more of a sugary taste than red ones. we ate these on our precious sunny day outside before the spring rain attacked us.





Next i drove out to my dad's house to work my magic. the cool thing about going to culinary school is that you have instant bragging rights, who else is going to challenged you alleged know-how?? dinner was served on the big kitchen table with the help of my dear sisters Hannah and Naomi. Naomi insisted on being included in the prayer before we ate because, i quote " she stirred the sauce, and zested an orange ok!" we ate pecan crusted tilapia, served over garlic and parsley cous cous, and leek and onion caramelized in white wine. then I it topped with an orange balsamic gastruiqe and fresh feta cheese. a nice salad and homemade bread and brie cheese from shadow bakery in covington topped it off. so good! it is considered a true accomplishment when you have picky teenage boys going back for more! Hannah made her infamous chocolate chip cookies for dessert. don't scoff at the simplicity, Hannah's cookies are a force to be reckoned with, and have become famous in these parts. you have not tasted a chocolate chip cookie until you've tasted Hannah's. it's a fact.


that night was the first time we all of us kids had been together in a long time, and it was truly wonderful. I am so thankful for my family... dare i say it, even more than food!! This week the phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder" has proved itself true.

Pro's and Con's

Yesterday i sat at this outdoor cafe, enjoying the sun beating down on me, wear flip flops and a t-shirt. eating a salad with strawberries on it and feeling as though there was finally hope in a chicagoland filled with winter and snow......

\

this is me today.... walking in a blizzard... freezing my ass off and cursing myself for jinxing it with such frivolous thoughts yesterday. I woke up this morning to a day filled with weather from satan himself. so get this, not only was it snowing so hard that your face had snow stuck to it, but it was raining too... hard! I'm walking to the store to get some movies for this terrible day, and i keep getting hit with ICE CHUNKS! so now we have snow, rain, and chunks of spitting ice. i'm wading through it, i'm covered in it... for pete's sake it's march. i want this to be done now. i started getting very depressed until i got a call from one of my dear friends who had been throwing up for two days straight. to make it worse it was gorgeous where she was, which in my opinion is much worse. it's one thing to be stuck inside on a crappy day, it's another to be stuck inside on one that's perfect. and i'm not throwing up.. always a plus. so i sat down and wrote list of pro's and cons. there were two ways i could be looking at this day.

#1. "this is the worst day of my life. my power got shut off, i have no hot water, i just walked in the door soaking wet and cold and stubbed my toe on top of it all. i have no one to be with, i'm lonely and depressed. why did i ever come to chicago. AND SHUT UP YOU DAMN LEAKY FAUCET!" ( all of this did actually happen)

#2. "oh my gosh, i am soooo glad i have nowhere to be today! i can rent movies, make a pie, and cozy up! what's more is i have no homework to do because spring break is just around the corner, and mama will be here in two day's to pick me up for vacation! wow, that leaky faucet really does add charm."

when you put it that way, it really does help. i ended choosing the latter one, and i feel much better now. true to my imaginary conversation i did in fact bake a pie. the only pie that can make me feel better...... apple. after i came to grips with the fact that the weather was just going to suck no matter how many times i cursed the sky i had quite a cozy day with myself. don't pity me! you only wish you had such an amazing rainy/snowy/ice pellety day!

In all seriousness though, if i could manage to make sense of ever terrible situation i find myself in like i did today, i would be much better off. i'm learning... this is progress!

go make a pie, i dare it to taste better than mine. mine's optimistic.

Emulsify Me

Last night in class i took on the challenge of emulsified sauces. this included mayonnaise, burre blanc, and the big, bad Holindaise. the Holindaise sauce is known as one of the toughest challenges in the culinary world. if it breaks while your whisking the butting into the hot egg yolks... your screwed. you can however "save" it with several techniques. Adding a little bit of water to the bowl and whisking it in slowly, or adding a little more clarified butter. the key is in the cooking. if you overcook the egg yolks they get too thick and your sauce won't get frothy and lemon colored like it's supposed too. if you cook them too little the butter and the egg separate causing the eggs to "scramble." as you can see, it's a tedious process. I documented with pictures so you could see how much my sauce DIDN'T work when i sucked at listening to directions... wonderful. Cook along with me please! this will be good for you to try, stretch yourself.

So you start out with three egg yolks, little salt and pepper, and about one tablespoon of water, that was the part that i didn't hear him say so my sauce was ruined. actually i did everything else right, and if i had put the water in i would have had a perfect sauce. but alas, it was not lemon yellow.

You then begin to beat the yolks CONTINUOUSLY over boiling water until they are thick and steaming. yes, your arm will begin to cramp up, push through, you have too.

At this point they begin to get frothy and light lemon yellow, this is GOOD! keeeeeep whipping. right about now your arm should need to be amputated.

lift up your whisk, if the sauce is in what we call the "ribbon stage" your good. it should stream off your whisk in a ribbon into the bowel, and remember, i forgot to add the water so yours should be allot lighter in color than mine is in these pictures. Now your holindaise is complete, taste for seasoning, and add some fresh tarragon if you want. you can serve it on eggs Benedict as it's traditionally known, or one a good steak as well! ok.... go soak your arm in ice...

My mayonnaise, unlike my holindaise kicked butt. it was light, fluffy, perfectly seasoned. Chef complimented it! on the whole... extremely exhausting night. but what i now know is that i CAN emulsify... i should have some sort of badge for that, cause it is no picnic! Good luck on your holindaise... hold you head high.... emulsify.

Time flies when your having fun.... most of the time.

my first quarter in culinary school is drawing to a close, already!! my finals are next monday, and then it's home to Kentucky for two blissful weeks... yes, that's right, i'm coming home!! I'm so excited you cannot imagine. i'm going to do "homey things" some of these would include, grocery shopping with mama, cooking for the fam, date night with naomi, sleepovers, sleepin's, and i love lucy re-runs.

I love this city, I have had a great/terrible first quarter. as far as class goes, i couldn't be happier. i love every minute of being in the kitchen, and i have LOVED nutrition. who would've thought! I have a job now that i will start when i'm back from my trip home. Nanny/Personal chef!!! THAT i am thrilled about. i have a kinda sorta great apartment... :D i'm going to move in august to a much larger one that's closer to school... i don't have many friends, but that's ok, i just moved, give it some time. yes, things have gone pretty well for me, praise God. there are some thing about this city however that i defiantly need a break from. for instance, if one more bum asks me for my spare change i will slap him and take the few quarters that he does have! and if i get a dirty look from someone on the subway one more time because there's NO room on the cramped little hell hole, and i accidentally step on their toes, I will literally.... do something.... and it will be bad... ok. It will be so good to be away from the noise, i noticed the other day that there really isn't a minute of the day that i'm not hearing a loud noise, even at night lying in bed i can hear people talking outside, or a siren, or some woman's heels on the pavement. it starts to get to you even when you don't realize your hearing it!
enough of my complaining. God has totally blessed me with this year, and this life, and i'm sooo grateful for it!

HIGH FIVE GOD.

AND LET SPRING BREAK BEGIN!!!

Comfort Food

Tonight in class we made a bearnese sauce. it's made with cream, white wine, shallots, and butter... mmmm. then we marinated chicken in it with mushrooms and made a leek slaw to go on top. it was definitely comfort food. speaking of comfort food, I've been meaning to ask this for quite some time... what's your comfort food?? I'll go first, i have several ok, you didn't expect me to just have one!
1. Graham crackers with peanut butter
2. bread and olive oil with a dash of balsamic vinegar
3. Grillllled cheese. thus, the name of this blog. there is nothing like a gooey, crispy grilled cheese sandwich on a depressingly cold night. especially when mama makes it in the cast iron skillet, and especially late at night. i remember one time i got home from work at like midnight. i had had the worst day ever ( mama would say, "really? the worst??" and i would tell her to shut the hell up) and i cried the whole way home. i had called mama to see if she was up because i knew the only thing that would make me feel better would be her voice. when i got home she had candles lit, soft music playing, she was wearing her "hobo sweatshirt" and low and behold she was making me a grilled cheese sandwich with tortilla chips. there is NOTHING better than that... nothing.
so what makes you feel like all is right with the world... it doesn't have to be food, it can be a song, a memory, a person.... just let the world know you're comfort object... i won't tell a soul.

Visual aids

So here are the pictures i promised. these are a few of my apartment, filled with my miracle furniture.

next is me at school with JUILIA CHILD'S chef jacket!! you can't see her name very well, but it's there, right above my head. she came to our school for a cook-off type thing and a bunch or the students got to meet her, this was before i was there of course.

my beautifully sharpened knives... these are only a few. i have a gigantic set of every cooking utensil and type of knife you could ask for. these are my life lines, especially that chef's knife in the middle, my favorite knife happens to be the paring knife, (not pictured) a small sturdy blade you can use for anything... and i do mean anything...

these are the city lights. my favorite time in the city is in the early morning or at night, two completely different vibes!
and me and Caleb (my older brother) he came to visit and cheer me up. it worked. THANK YOU CALEB!!